Thursday, September 22, 2016

Snowy heart of the night

Sometimes there are things that rather only keeping in heart and to self, because you know its hurt.  and moment when you not wanting friends around to worry any. But. Being happy everyday isn't easy, being tough every seconds doesn't sound nutty, yet i am still being grateful. Thus, Allow me to be sad for a day.

You would think that on the days passed of downhill that marks the beginning of new chapter, i would have learnt something by now after years. lessons. Or at least learnt to stop being happy over things that i had falsely anticipated and believe would come. Or learnt to make my own happiness instead of placing it on the actions and behaviours of another.

Over 6 years on and off, peppered with constant vessels of false hope and broken promises, my day seems began rocky, improved and got great, to finally come to realise i am worth than everything of those. Only to end in a pitfall of numb accusations and the same broken heart, have forgiven and still forgiving, except less pain and more tired annoyance.

Too many close calls on my account.

If my silence have learnt to finally fuel thee into the angst that i had previously been unable to harbour. I wonder whats going to happen then. But i give no dent, does it worth, no it doesn't. I am rather peacefully living now, yea i have chosen to be. Sometimes it gave me a cold feet, wondering, am i still not moving on?what are all these in mind, unable to concentrate and focus when in gym or workout, i lost my energy lost my determination, unable to keep my feet in same pace when jogging, how am i going for upcoming ultra marathon? Sigh. The playgrounds they get rusty and my heartbeat another ten thousand times before i get the chance to set myself free.

Remembering how we met each other at the runaways after years, how it perfectly we were running on honestly, moved together like a silver lock and key, but now your lock has changed, i know i can't fit that way.

When october yet to come the glimmer on face, and get a bit nervous now. I shall get ready. When it gets hard, i get a little stronger now, i get a little braver now. And when i gets dark, i get a little brighter now, i get a little wiser now before i give my heart away.

The night shall be passed, i shall be healed.
I will still be a happy girl who i am.


Monday, September 5, 2016

Feeling like a Sunshine

Last night was a long dream, not a nightmare, but it's kind of reminiscing, waking up and checking on the date, it's september. I have missed your birthday 30th, how can i even missed it this year, it has been 11years you left me.

I know it's kind of cliche every year, but i miss you to bit.
Happy birthday boy, it could be your 24th if you were here.

It was a vague dream, i can't see it clearly nor your look. But i hear you: Let it go, you deserve better. I am awakened in a total shock, but i thank you, for being with me every up and down, how i wish you're alive that i could really share my happiness and sadness. (People who never read my previous yrs post will not know who he is)

I am then realised, and came up a thought:

If you're anything like me, letting go is a long and arduous process. And I'm not talking about 5stages of grief, a bit to self destructive behaviour. I'm talking months, even yrs, of regret and isolation, finding it near to impossible to accept another relationship or refuse to get closed with anyone, because you put all of your heart into your last relationship, and despite everything you gave it, look where that got you.

You are left wondering how it could all be really worth the trouble, how enduring countless excruciatingly awkward dates, long cold nights of lacklustre chemistry and waves of rejection and disappointment all in the tireless search to find somebody fresh you connect with could possibly be a sensible allocation of your time and efforts when you have already formed an extraordinary connection in the relationship you shared with your ex-partner. Would t it be better to instead direct that energy to winning them back, to mending the chasm of love lost between you and prove once and for all that you are who they are supposed to end up with?

What i have begun to recognise in myself and others is that, more often than not, the fear of letting go isn't really that at all, but a fear of trying again, its not really about the person you have left, but all of the uncertainty and possible disappointment that now lies on the road ahead of you. We find it so difficult to locate and form true connections that letting them go seems unthinkable to us, and discovering one again, a frightening prospect at best.

We hit pause on our lives while we standby indefinitely feeling sorry for ourselves.

So, as futile as it is, we hold on tightly to the small hope our wayward loves might yet still come home. and in the meantime, we withdraw from the world and keep to ourselves, completely disinterested or oblivious of any new potential love interests that come our way.

Well, to hell with that, we deserve better.

We must work to shed ourselves of all the longing and sorrow and learn to recognise that our hearts need clearing out from time to time too, That the old adage,"theres plenty of fish in the sea" is a cliche precisely because it is true, the world is rich and teeming with deeply fascinating, warm-hearted people, and though you mightn't always reel in precisely what you're looking for, much joy and enjoyment can be found in the process. We must come to understand that people who tear our hearts to pieces do not have the power to put them back together, not even if they wanted to, that only we have the tools, care, and understanding that are necessary to make them strong, and whole again.

I made the decision to stop dwelling sorrowfully on the past and instead set my eyes towards my future.

Yet, the most valuable change i have implemented from this dream is to stop allowing old loves and regrets to linger in me and prevent me from welcoming good things into my life. The rewards for my efforts have been vast and instantaneous. I finally see that just because true connection is precious and rare doesn't mean it is singular. I see that the number of great loves you experience in a lifetime can be as limitless as you make it. Theres is  a whole wide wild world out there at your doorstep, full of deeply passionate and powerful connections, and it is up to you to find the courage to claim them.

Farewell, past.
This phrase looks formal and very emotional sounding, seems very final. It's time to tidy myself up, slip into my finest dress, on my heels and head up, get myself back in the reality.  Let them go, and i am here to be whole again, i am feeling like a sunshine now. ;)


Sunday, September 4, 2016

it's just a matter of time

I am healing, but on the pathway of healing, there were times happened like you are calling yourself worthless and weak again, because you feel like you're taking too long to heal, too long to be 'normal' again. And it makes me ache inside to watch it tear myself down this way. When everyone around me telling me I'm neither worthless nor weak.

What about all the tremendous wars, you have been fighting within yourself whilst the rest of the world sleeps? what about the battle cries that echo in your mind from fighting fearsome demons made of pain and damage and destruction? what about all the heartache you have survived, that you have pulled yourself through?

You are stronger, stronger than anyone gives you credit for. Stronger than even you know. So your survival is different, your survival demands more to heal your pain.

Healing has never been a straight road, love.
It contains the steepest mountains and valleys, and the deepest of oceans.
Where as healing is not horizontal and i am allowed to take my time.

Self whispering; 
It's fine honey, it's just a matter of time. Believe that you can, and you're halfway there. 
You're still looking way happy as you are, life goes on.
Head up, and Stay strong, be the daddymummy girl that they proud of.


Monday, August 29, 2016

Wise day and year to be.

Another year past, I'm one year older, the 24th and this year I am tough enough to stand alone, and also with family and friends who I'm grateful being with. I am thankful, to everyone for the wishes, and all presents given and yet with surprises, i am pretty guilty that i have not been doing the same, i promised next year. I thank everyone, who leave, and those who stay by my side, i have become even more stronger and wiser.

A good woman doesn't get angry and she sure as hell doesn't get even, she gets over it, forgives and moves on. Weak woman revenges, strong woman forgives and intelligent woman ignores. Confidence is silent, insecurites are loud. We don't need to loudly brag to others about how awesome you are, people are not blind, they can see by themselves. If you are my friends you definitely know which I'm belongs to, stay strong. Im not more a young lady, and where i am in my life, i don't have time to make people understand my worth, it is either you recognise it and treat me right, or to be cut off.

Dream that I wish.

It's only human nature to daydream of the future, particularly when the present is difficult or dull, to imagine every detail until the fantasy is so real it can almost be felt and touched. All of us pine for days when our effort and dedication will finally pay off and we at last find the happiness we believe we deserve. For some of us, that could be a little house by the hills with someone we love, and for others, monetary wealth or the career we have always wanted. Whatever the case, the fact of the matter is it's all a facade, a fiction, a lie we tell ourselves to distract us from the confronting reality that the present is all we really have and we are not making the most of it. The truth is, in the real world, theres no happy endings.

Even if you obtain absolutely everything you have ever desired, you will still face occasional moments of difficulty and doubt, you will still find yourself struggling from time to time, thats the human condition, thats the life.

You must believe what you read or see in the movies, a real life doesn't wrap itself up tightly in a neat little bow. The end won't come with a credit roll, a go calm song, and you strong off into the sunset. There will always be something else, another pursuit or absence you will feel the need to fill. Let the empower to dishearten you.

Set you goals, have hopes, and keep the end game always in your sights, but recognise and understand that life isn't about the destination but the long journey there. That every path you navigate and obstacle you overcome is what you makes your time here worth something. That in the end, they will be what really matters.

You are here and alive in this magnificent universe, with only one chance to make it count. To hell with happy endings, I'm here for the story of my new chapter of life. My birthday wish is merely simple thee same every year, wishing everyone to be happy and success in everything you're up to.  I hope you you and everyone make yours a wonderful one too.

This too shall pass.
I shall be happy, i am pretty love my life now, everything and every people around me.


Sunday, August 21, 2016

Not everything is a loss

Being optimistic seems to be easy, being optimistic in a long run is not easy at all. Be strong, it may be stormy now, but it won't be raining forever.

He was going to be the one. The one who would get down on one knee, the one who would help me blow out the candles on my 80th birthday. He was going to be the one until i lost him.

At first it hurts, it hurts a lot. Friends knew it, they unable to stand seeing my deadly hard times, with all video calls, i did not voice out, i was at silence with tears, they were looking after me entire nights and weeks. I had one too many sleepless nights where i laid in bed with balled up blanket over me, tears soaking my pillow. Where i felt like the pain would never stop, where i questioned leaving him, where i berated myself for not trying harder.

But one day i realised i was going to be okay. And not only was i going to be okay, but i was going to be better than i had been before. Thats because one day i realised not everyone you lose is a loss, and not everyone you find should be kept. They come into your life for a reason, i do believe that. Lessons to be taught, happiness nor sadness to be brought in, and to the new experiences, discovering who you are and what you want.

People sometimes also leave your life for a reason, they leave because they have served their purpose, because they have taught you enough and now its time for you to move on. These people, that ones that come and go aren't meant to stay. when they leave, the pain cuts deep, you feel abandoned, like left you out in the pouring rain without an umbrella, like they slammed the door in your face. You feel like they took your heart with them as they sped away; you often feel betrayed, hopeless, destroyed. But, it's okay to feel these things in the beginning. But knowing the truth made you feel better, couple of weeks or months or however long the process takes, step back and reflect.
Remember that in losing these people, in losing the one who are toxic or abusive or cruel or careless with your heart, you are gaining so much more, you are gaining self awareness, joy, and peace.

So stop being like let go of something valuable, pick yourself up, stitch your heart back together and tell yourself everyday that this is not a loss but a win. You should be proud of, he is who you made him into, where he could be at his best and all the time, you should thus be happy for him, and also for your effort.

Yes, you may have lost a lot when they walked out. You may have lost memories, dreams of a future together and early morning cuddles. you may have lost goodnight texts and the comfort of knowing your aren't alone. I understand what that feels like, understand the nights where you lay in bed and its hard to breathe. Losing always hurts, i get that. But guess what. I also lost a few other things. i lost ignored texts and phone calls, cold hearted manipulation and feeling of never being good enough, being told it was always my fault.

So while its hard, its not a loss. People came into my life and gave a learning experience as my mum would say. For that i am grateful. I am grateful for what good times we had and for him showing me how strong of a woman i could be. But losing him is okay, losing him is more than okay. despite of that, i found myself, i found my voice, i found my dreams again.

If you are feeling the same way, you could have finally let go of, where you don't think you will ever get over them, if you are blaming yourself, don't. please don't. They aren't worth your energy or your tears anymore. There aren't worth anything to you now. They were just left staying bottom part of your heart.

Aint nobody has time for that, shallow waste of time. You may have lost them but you won something better. you won your life back, you won your confidence back.
Either you, or me, we shall be happy. ;)