Sunday, August 21, 2016

Not everything is a loss

Being optimistic seems to be easy, being optimistic in a long run is not easy at all. Be strong, it may be stormy now, but it won't be raining forever.

He was going to be the one. The one who would get down on one knee, the one who would help me blow out the candles on my 80th birthday. He was going to be the one until i lost him.

At first it hurts, it hurts a lot. Friends knew it, they unable to stand seeing my deadly hard times, with all video calls, i did not voice out, i was at silence with tears, they were looking after me entire nights and weeks. I had one too many sleepless nights where i laid in bed with balled up blanket over me, tears soaking my pillow. Where i felt like the pain would never stop, where i questioned leaving him, where i berated myself for not trying harder.

But one day i realised i was going to be okay. And not only was i going to be okay, but i was going to be better than i had been before. Thats because one day i realised not everyone you lose is a loss, and not everyone you find should be kept. They come into your life for a reason, i do believe that. Lessons to be taught, happiness nor sadness to be brought in, and to the new experiences, discovering who you are and what you want.

People sometimes also leave your life for a reason, they leave because they have served their purpose, because they have taught you enough and now its time for you to move on. These people, that ones that come and go aren't meant to stay. when they leave, the pain cuts deep, you feel abandoned, like left you out in the pouring rain without an umbrella, like they slammed the door in your face. You feel like they took your heart with them as they sped away; you often feel betrayed, hopeless, destroyed. But, it's okay to feel these things in the beginning. But knowing the truth made you feel better, couple of weeks or months or however long the process takes, step back and reflect.
Remember that in losing these people, in losing the one who are toxic or abusive or cruel or careless with your heart, you are gaining so much more, you are gaining self awareness, joy, and peace.

So stop being like let go of something valuable, pick yourself up, stitch your heart back together and tell yourself everyday that this is not a loss but a win. You should be proud of, he is who you made him into, where he could be at his best and all the time, you should thus be happy for him, and also for your effort.

Yes, you may have lost a lot when they walked out. You may have lost memories, dreams of a future together and early morning cuddles. you may have lost goodnight texts and the comfort of knowing your aren't alone. I understand what that feels like, understand the nights where you lay in bed and its hard to breathe. Losing always hurts, i get that. But guess what. I also lost a few other things. i lost ignored texts and phone calls, cold hearted manipulation and feeling of never being good enough, being told it was always my fault.

So while its hard, its not a loss. People came into my life and gave a learning experience as my mum would say. For that i am grateful. I am grateful for what good times we had and for him showing me how strong of a woman i could be. But losing him is okay, losing him is more than okay. despite of that, i found myself, i found my voice, i found my dreams again.

If you are feeling the same way, you could have finally let go of, where you don't think you will ever get over them, if you are blaming yourself, don't. please don't. They aren't worth your energy or your tears anymore. There aren't worth anything to you now. They were just left staying bottom part of your heart.

Aint nobody has time for that, shallow waste of time. You may have lost them but you won something better. you won your life back, you won your confidence back.
Either you, or me, we shall be happy. ;)


Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Good morning and good night

Good morning, beautiful.

Is it too late to say that? i know you've probably been awake awhile, like hours or even all day. I know you had gone this whole time without hearing it, shrugging back to friends or family who asked you how you're doing with a non-committal fine because that is what we're meant to do as humans, answer meaningful questions with arbitrary phrases. I know that you may not be fine. I know you may have had a lacklustre day.

People once asked me, why do you mere love a good morning and good night text so much?

Well, do you know something as incredibly mundane as a "good morning" or "good night" text may be made all the difference in the world. It is okay if thats the case, it's okay to sometimes ache for those simple and kind hearted gestures.

Because the truth is that good morning texts are more than a  half-hearted means of communication. There are a sign that we are thought of, cared for, adored, by someone who may not be immediately present. They are a reminder, one we perhaps should not need but sometimes do, that we are appreciated in our entireties. So if you did not get one this morning, here is what i want you to know,

You deserve to have a good day today. Not because of some universal law that necessitates good things happening to worthwhile people, but because we all do. we all deserve to have a beautiful morning and a correspondingly fantastic day, regardless of who loves us or appreciates us or thinks of us first thing when they wake up in the am. Just because someone is not around to appreciate the complexities of who you are does not mean that you deserve anything less than pure joy.

Theres a particular way i could laugh and can make an entire room lighten up, if only for a moment in time. Theres a way i tilt my head when I'm concentrating that makes me look unbearable, as if i were being placed on this earth only to stare at things and frown in the most endearing form humanely possible.  There are thousand minute intricacies that make up the tapestry of who you are and not a single one has ceased to exist.

I know we're not supposed to need reminders of that.  Often people takes granted of our kindness, why on earth people love to put themselves into the shoes when it is not relating to anyone. I don't bother or interfere of people life, i don't click, read nor view. It is not my matter, please get your own life. I know that we're supposed to be strong and self-sufficient and reassured, certain of our own worth, questioning only the value of others. But we're human, we forget. We forget that we are loveable, we forget that we're desired. We forget that we are anything other than the hard-shelled, busy workaholics that we have all been trained to behave as. We forget that, we too, merit adoration.

And heres what its easiest to forget; who you are doesn't cease to exist because theres nobody there to admire it. The way you bite your pencil is still cute, even when theres nobody to tease you for it. The way you hold yourself still exudes confidence, even if there no one assert it to. The way your eyes light up when you're talking about what you love is, and endlessly will be, attractive, regardless of who is there to listen to you speak.

All the little quirks that make you up are not extinguished because somebody once chose against them, you still deserve to have a good day.

Someday someone's going to love all of those tiny things about you. Someone is going to love the way you cough.Therere going to laugh at the way you lose your keys while you're actually holding them. Someday, someone is going to stare at you from across a crowded room and know exactly how you;re feeling. Someone is going to appreciate all of your obscurities eventually but right now they are all only your own. And thats okay. First and foremost you will always belong to yourself. Here's what i urge of you if you did not receive a good morning text today: don't forget about what makes you incredible. Don't let your own intricacies slide. Because the loveable parts of you are not gone. I absolutely promise you that much.

You are so much more than the person who nobody texted this morning. You are encompassing. You are a blazing, roaring fire in a world full of people who have been burnt. So please, refuse to let the wounded people extinguish you. Refuse to be tamed. Refused to flicker down into meagre, burnt out coal because somebody else is not tending to your flame. And you, are too intense a power to be reduced by something as small and insignificant as the lack of a good morning text.

At the end of the day, we're all in charge of what we bring to our lives, so be the person who brings light to your own, be the person who has a  good day. Find a way to fuel your flame because the world needs the light you give you. Thus, it shall have a nice end of the day with a good night text.

The path to my inner peace begins with four words: not my fucking matter.
Strong women don't play victim, they don't make themselves look pitiful.

Good night, and till then.


Tuesday, August 16, 2016

You may read me

People often ask how serious would i be when i get attached.
I am not really hard to be read, if only you know me in person and my personality. I could be different as anyone you met, and I could be sure you will never meet anyone like me.

I am the "wife material" girlfriend. I wish i could make the person I'm dating feel like I'm already their family. Taking care is common, but offer a degree of comfort that other people can't and won't, does a matter. I am not afraid of commitment, and i am not afraid to show what commitment means to me. I care about people who are matter to me because of who they really are, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it works.

Some people says I'm the hard-to-get girlfriend. i lol-ed, avoidant? Im on or Im off. But either way, i wish people knows that landing a relationship with me is a pretty big deal. I have extremely high standards, high standards not referring materialistically, but high EQ, though at the same time, i often fall for people who ae oddly beneath. Its not that settle,its that have to be able to overlook a lot of tendency to worry.

I could be intense. Because once i fall i fall had, and i have a really hard time detaching. Like now, moving on is such a hard time. I fight for it and i don't give up easily. Despite being intense, I'm also cautious, I'm super aware of micro-behaviours and nonverbal cues that could tell me whether or not someone is a good fit. Maturity, No temper and high EQ is the point. Im on my toes, but my heart is all way in.

Im the high standard girlfriend, thats how I'm unable to handle childishness.  I went through a lot and from that i learned. Im not going to tolerate any bullshit, and let people know that right off the bat. Though at times in the past i have lacked discernment in relationship, and much more aware of what does and doesn't work for me now. Im independent and ready to live my best life, and i don't need people who doesn't feel lucky to have me,  but someone who come along for the ride with me, and stay forever.

No ones is perfect, mistake is common. be better and do better. I'm mere human, it's okay.


Monday, August 15, 2016

Admit it

Admit it, i wanted you to fight a little harder for me. I wanted you to tell me that you don't want me to go and that you will try harder, that you will tell me that I'm worth the risk, I'm worth the change. I wanted you to tell me you'd rather live with me than without me.

I wanted you to hold onto me. But you didn't. you didn't even try to stop me when i was leaving, you dint try to say goodbye and you didn't even ask me if i truly wanted to leave or if i was just acting out of anger. And i don't know what hurts more you not fighting for me, or you not knowing me enough to know that sometimes i just wanted simple hug from you.

You know I'm not the high profile girl, and not any materialistic girl, and yet i never ask a thing from you. I don't need roses everyday, i don't need fluffy toys or any thing, it is true who doesn't love surprises, but the surprises that i wanted is merely a sweet warm text from you. thats all. I'm just very simple enough.

But i walked away and you didnt follow me, you didn't ask me for one more chance and you didn't ask me if I will be okay without you. And in that moment i realised that you never really fought for me in the beginning to fight for me in the end.

When there's a her. you changed. and i can see how you could changed for her, it made me feel way how unworthy i could be to you. feeling not being good enough. Everything was your way, at your convenience, when you had the time, everything didn't require an effort from you, everything was my fault. But knowing you're happy, i feel happy for you.

I trained you that it was normal for me to please you and not ask for anything in return, and i trained you that i will never ask for more than you can handle.

And i wanted you to give me a reason, a sign, a hand to hold. but you chose not to, and when i was going to fight for you until i realised you never wanted to be an opponent and there is no point in fighting when the battle is already lost. I wanted to fight for you but i fought for myself instead.

it saddened much when seeing how people could change in such lightning speed. i wasn't even has the intention. And yes, i admit it. it became disappointment all the way, my heart to you is shattered way how you have treated me.

From now, i gotten much clear reason. i am amazed, besides amazed, i am still amazed. i couldn't be able to believe this, to believe this could be you, and to believe this actually happened on me. wow wow and wow. I smiled all the way. people asked am i really smile or is this a sad smile. Aww, what do you think.

I am so much stronger than you think. I could definitely be known of my own worth. You deserve others but i deserve someone better. Thanks to friends and thanks everyone around me, who truly know me, even when i don't speak.

It is the fate, and it was my choice, i don't blame, i respect a lot, and i don't regret anything.
I won't be looking back again, not more again regret.


Saturday, July 30, 2016

Love yourself

Night of endless heartbreaking confusion. I lay there staring into my mind, thinking of all the reasons i am not good enough. I am worth more than this.

All of the times it has played through my head. You are a good person but not worth anything more than a friend. The times that i have passionately looked into your eyes. and still been told i am not worth more than a friend.

A heart so big it gets torn each time i try again. To you my heart means nothing. I try again. I am done trying. I want it to end. Sleepless nights crying over you, each night wondering what i can do. to make you realise i want you, i trusted you.

Not anymore, i wouldn't be thinking sort of whys, why i am not strong enough. why i am not special enough. and why i am not worth it.

The love he gave was incredible. Actually, it was more than just that. You fell hard. You felt like you were high off of every drug whenever you were with him. You smiled so brightly when you were in his presence. You always felt safe. He was your home that you never thought you could find.

But then one day, on an unusually sunny day, he changed his mind. He just left. He flew away. And there you are. On your knees, trying to regain the strength to get up. Trying to regain the strength to even move. Trying to regain the strength to keep on surviving. To keep on going.

Somehow, god only knows how, you make it. You stand up and don't crumble into the dust he left you with. You stand up and don't melt from the sun that tries to blind you. You can see, even through your red and bloodshot eyes. You keep getting up, even though it hurts every bone in your body.

You keep breathing through the chemicals that threaten to choke you. You re surprised to find that your lungs didn't break with grief. His memories remains in your body. But slowly, his smile starts to fade from the edges of your shoulders. Slowly, his eyes start to fade from the corners of your mouth. And his heart starts to burn off your own. You still hurt, but the worst part is over. The worst part is done with.

And now you walk a little lighter. You feel lighter without him standing on your shoulder. you feel cleaner without his fingers gripping your neck everytime you close your eyes. Finally, you don't see him in the middle of night lying next to you, haunting you.

He is gone,
And this is when you finally found yourself.

You walk lighter steps that don't stomp on the memories of him, you can turn that love from him onto yourself. You had that love in your heart all along. You always had the capacity for holding that much love. You just never loved yourself enough to believe in it. You never had the right amount of care for yourself, until he left.

Thank you for making me love myself more than i ever thought i could.
Thank you for leaving. I survived your wreckage.